Evil Genius: Let There Be Noise

I do think this is a possible explanation….

Evil Genius: For years we have conspired to drive mankind (mostly man) crazy with our evil devices and inventions.

Mad Scientist: (repositions hump) Yessss, master!

Evil Genius: We have done well my apprentice but I want us to do more, more to annoy humanity! (evil laughter)

Mad Scientist: What more can we do my master? We’ve thought of everything.

EG: We can make our products even better, like 3M.

MS: Yes, the insidious 3M. Tell me more, my master.

EG: Example 1! The kitchen blender. We made it loud, so loud all thought is disrupted.

MS: Our evil patent for the blender also includes a series of buttons – different buttons that do the same thing – make noise! (wheezing laughter)

EG: Yes, and the people think there is a difference between blend, whip, and grate (evil laughter). There is only low – with excessive noise – high – with more excessive noise – and pulse – providing pulses of excessive noise!

MS: The three button blender was and always will be our first evil masterpiece – nearly perfect.

EG: But we made it perfect – we added more pointless buttons with terms that no one understands like frappe and mulch and double mulch!

MS: Adding a small microphone and speaker to project more noise was a stroke of divine intervention (sniveling)!

EG: And the microchip ensuring the blender would be used by females at times when their counterparts are at rest was inspired by whatever the opposite of God is – pure evil.

MS: Yessssss (giggling)

EG: We made evil, more evil! Example 2! The blender alone is responsible for over 13,000 domestic uncouplings. And we can do more.

MS: (shrinks back frightened) More? How master? It…..it cannot be done

EG: Forget not the vacuum my evil colleague (strikes MS)

MS: (sniveling) Ah yes my master. Another noise making device – scattering brainwaves and only marginally cleaning carpets! Suck up the debris here – deposit same debris over there. And also designed with belt drives which snap like a poorly stretched hamstrings.

EG: It is annoyance defined. And then the hair dryer?

MS: Another brilliantly evil invention my master of masters

EG: Could it be louder.

MS: It cannot. The elaborate design of the hair-dryer has the decibel output of a hand-held jet-plane at a frequency designed to make ears bleed and men cry for mercy. And brilliantly, when combined with malic acid in everyone’s morning coffee leads to thoughts of violence.

EG: It is a beautiful device. But there is more.

MS: (Emphatically) More? More?!?!

EG: Should anyone ever use a vacuum, a blender and hair dryer at the same time…..

MS: (Anxiously) YES?

EG: It would open a worm hole…

MS: (Even more anxiously) YES??

EG: Into a galaxy of demons, wraiths and soul-vipers as such as the world has never known – and we shall be their commander.

MS: It….it is glorious my master?!?! When will it happen.

EG: (stroking the hump of MS) When mankind makes the ultimate mistake – and it will be soon.

Anthony Poponi is a comic, improv artist, brain chemistry nerd and community-minded advocate and owner of Humore.us. He’s brings his love of connection and laughter to audiences as keynote, emcee, workshop host or moderator and his mission is to increase laughter and connectivity to combat the human health crises of isolation and disconnection.