A plea to you, loyal readers. Don’t take life too literally…. Some people do. For the afflicted similes, metaphors, idioms and figurative language make the world a dangerous and confusing place. That’s why in 2015 I formed the International Literalist Society.
Our first attempts to help those burdened with only a literal understanding of the world were a complete failure. At our first annual meeting after a unanimous adoption of our new slogan “Our members take their own lives, literally” we lost 89 members who lived out the slogan, albeit briefly. Tragic.
We’ve learned a lot since the “incident” and are ready to help tens of people who are lost, afraid, or, in many cases, terribly lonely.
Consider a gift to our group, with your help we:
1. Provide Interventions for severely distraught clients.
Meet Larry: Father of none, owner of 6 cats, loves Jeopardy and has always wanted to be a Hooter girl. After reading the park sign: “Caution pedestrians slippery when wet” he spent the entire day trying to dry off pedestrians out of fear – and love. After 4 assault charges and two black eyes we were able to get Larry into our program to receive the help he do desperately needed. Larry is now proudly living on his own, working at his local Hooters and can call our hotline anytime he’s confused. He calls alot. Alot.
2. Offer Figurative Language Training
Many of our clients simply need to understand the difference between literal and figurative language. This is Frieda. She doesn’t like animals and idioms are her primary challenge. Smoking and fashion are her secondary challenges. When someone told her it was raining “cats and dogs outside” she wouldn’t leave the house for three days. Frieda gets it now because of your generosity.
3. Give Customized Support During Election Season.
Meet Fred. He was a loyal, die-hard supporter of Donald Trump’s campaign until they released their slogan “Make American Great Again”. Fred immediately disavowed Trump because he loves grated cheese. Though this confusion stems from a a homonym and not figurative language – we stepped in to help.
4. Sometimes a full “system reboot”
Meet Greg. He doesn’t handle the stress of his ultra-competitive work environment well and when a co-worker told him he needed “eyes in the back of his head” he went too far. Greg’s receiving treatment for a lot of issues. Alot.
Support our group by getting your very own Bumper sticker, only $3.99. You’ll literally be saving lives. Well, not actually, you’ll be buying a bumper sticker. You know what we mean.