Will I be the wiener?
So I applied to drive the WeinerMobile……why not? Here’s my cover letter.
Dear Mr. and Mrs. Mayer:
I finally mustard up the energy to put my feelings into words in the form of this application to be your next Hot Dogger. This is a big day for me, one I will relish. I am excited to submit this application to you, my childhood has been defined by hot dogs, tube steaks, frankfurters for no matter what you call them… you had better call them delicious!
My childhood wasn’t always positive. I suffered frequently from HDDD (Hot Dog Deficiency Disorder). Don’t get me wrong, there were often hot dogs but never enough to satisfy my cravings. Birthday parties, family reunions and BBQ gatherings typically featured my favorite: cheese dogs. When cooked right they’re slightly browned with cheesy warm ambrosia center. When overcooked they’re magma hot lava that can destroy taste buds meant for more wieners. Care must be taken in crafting this culinary concoction to perfection. Microwaves be damned.
But why, I often cried to the sky, can’t these tasty tubular treats be a daily dose of delight? There were days at Phillies games where hawkers tortured me with their Siren’s song of “Wanna Hot Dog?” and their pain-inducing prose of “Get your hot dog here!” but much like Michael Jack Schmidt I often struck out. You see, my grandparents were of the Depression era and we (GASP!) brought in our own snacks. Besmirching these prideful merchants of mustard smeared magic my grandparents would instead hand us pretzels and iced-tea made from a powdered mix. Near Communist behavior, I know. I am not proud and the disgrace to my family and country will take generations to heal.
You can read the full dirge here: http://anthonypoponi.com/go-schmidty-alternate-the-hot-dog-of-my-desire/
I leave you with this…an ode to Oscar Mayer wieners.
The Taste You’ll Relish Even Without Relish:
Open your mouth and
Shut your eyes
Cause you’re about to get
A big surprise, a taste so sublime
Relish all of the flavor
Mustards my choice, though ketchup some savor
Eating this treat is so durned delightfully fun
You get a bite of moist meat, stuffed into a bun
Everyday my goal is to eat two or three
Do this for work? I’d be so happy I’d pee!
I know the applicants will be a tough competition but this wiener (points at himself) wants to take it all!
Insincerely, Anthony Poponi
P.S. I’m a skilled communicator and I can quickly and easily connect with others and inspire laughter and creativity in everything I do.
P.S.S. As required I am a college graduate graduating from the University of Georgia and our aptly named mascot the Bull-dogs.
P.S.S.S. A resume is attached but let’s be frank, I was made for this position. I mean literally, if you are what you eat I’m like 93% hot dog.
Anthony Poponi is a comic, improv artist, brain chemistry nerd and community-minded advocate and owner of Humore.us. He’s brings his love of connection and laughter to audiences as keynote, emcee, workshop host or moderator and his mission is to increase laughter and connectivity to combat the human health crises of isolation and disconnection.