I’m going to correct a common misconception about the male figure.
The anatomical term for the midsection of hominids is abdomen, which is obviously singular. Those of lower IQ will point to the term “men” in the word abdomen and say it’s the pluralated (or pluralized, pluraled) form of the word “man”, man but those people eat paint chips – and I’m not judging, paint chips are delicious. However, look around you and observe how many people bear a degree of natural fat or insulation on their abdomen and how relatively few have an artificially enhanced abdominalical regions formed into six tumorous shaped bumps A.K.A. a six pack.
Since on most individuals the abdomen appears as a singular mass the correct term should therefore be singular including when used colloquially or abbreviated as the term “ab”. For example:
“Hey, nice Ab!”
That’s right, Ab, singular. Or try this….
“You been working out? That ab is tight.”
Where did the term six-pack even come from? Great question, thanks for asking.
Research Methods: Through a grant for a local nonprofit foundation (read: my credit card) a team of researchers (read: me and a drunk friend G Danger) were awarded funding to conduct exhaustive research (read: two laptops) of the term “six pack.” We scoured the internet and found many many interesting things and though there was a lot of porn, a LOT of porn, some good, some bad, some really really confusing – we did manage to dig deeper into our research and eventually find one insightful mainstream movie that helped us understand the world’s fascination with the soon-to-be-obsolete term “abs”. The movie, assumed to be the quintessential documentary, was produced in 1982 and after a thorough review of the movie “Six Pack” featuring Kenny Rogers we unfortunately found very few insights into the historical significance of the movie on this obscure colloquial term. Yes, the movie’s script and cast of characters coalesce to create a compelling if not life changing film but the references to sculpted abdomen are limited and presented only in passing. A downer for sure though we gave the movie two thumbs and a tear stained cheek for pulling our heartstrings.
Our research findings will be presented in a forthcoming publication with a couple of findings presented below. Due to fear of retribution from the fitness lobby my colleague has asked to remain anonymous. (Editor’s Note: Garrison Garcia? Did you change your mind about the anonymity thing? Lemme know before we publish this.) However, we are willing to share our conclusion that the term abdomen and especially “six-pack” are more fiction than reality and should therefore not be used when referring to a normally sculpted average person. Instead we propose the use of the term “flabdomen”TM*.
* – this isn’t really trademarked. Does anyone know how to do this? Text me.
Additional research conducted during the study summarized below did pass a peer review but our peers are a collection of nearly illiterate, drunk deviants and sociopaths. These data, which are almost entirely fabricated, ok entirely fabricated, still point out a few disturbing societal trends.
Psychological Concerns: The data support the conclusion of a higher degree of OCDs and/or sociopathic behaviors and/or methamphetamine addiction are associated with the small segment of society possessing six packs as compared to much higher population segments with more attractive flabomenal appearance (see Figure 1). There is also a higher occurrence of OCDs associated behaviors on the other end of the spectrum primarily in the state of Mississippi where compulsive eating disorders and fried foods are common.
Critical Public Safety Concerns: There is ample scientific-ish evidence supporting a rare condition for those with active lifestyles and advanced stages of flabdomenal development (i.e. playfully meat, dickie-doo, see Figure 1). When a flabdomen comes under the pressure of severe disturbance as when jogging it leads to a condition called multi-directional disturbance or M.D.D. (commonly referred to as “jiggling”, or D.M.M. the Dancing Michael Moore effect) which under the wrong conditions can lead to full scale flab-a-lanche. As you might expect the flab-a-lanche can be dangerous to both the human host and the nearby public. Based on visual obersvations reseachers concluded that nearby viewers are affected by the shockwaves released by the flab-a-lanche which induced vomiting and nausea especially for those eating when the flabalanche occurs. Intense flab-a-lanches are catastrophic and often leads to complete humiliation.
Avoidance: Therefore for the safety of the general public those with a flabdomen are discouraged from jogging and instead should walk instead or preferably should jog after dark which seems to mitigate the impact of the shockwaves. Early symptoms preceding a flab-a-lanche include sweating, heavy-breathing and a strong desire to stop jogging and to eat french fries. Additional study is needed and though FEMA’s initial response to our findings was promising their latter response to our demands for funding, and company cars, has led to blocked phone calls. Our repeated and clever attempts (#eipcfailninja) to enter the facility have been blocked by security staff – who ironically posses advanced stages of flabdominal development and therefore are at a higher risk of flab-a-lanche. Regardless, we press on and support for our research efforts can be made through PayPal benefitting our non-profit research firm Flab-a-lanche Avoidance Team (FAT)*.
* This isn’t really a non-profit but you can “donate’ to my “cause” today, cause I’m broke.
Alternative Solutions: For those seeking a to achieve a six-pack without the risk of developing OCD type behaviors or risking triggering a flab-a-lanche through physical exercise we suggest the following effective solutions with some approaches having more permanent results. The FDA has approved these measures as sound solutions to exercise.*
* Not the FDA associated with the U.S Government. Franklin Delano Asanti a.k.a “Frankie D” – pictured below with body art.
Anthony Poponi is a comic, improv artist, brain chemistry nerd and community-minded advocate and owner of Humore.us. He’s brings his love of connection and laughter to audiences as keynote, emcee, workshop host or moderator and his mission is to increase laughter and connectivity to combat the human health crises of isolation and disconnection.