Once…long ago…a young boy named Nativus Purus and his drunkard ancestor Uncle Vinum Maximus chatted about the great stories of Greek mythology and the astrological signs in the night sky. Uncle Vinum was deep into thought an also deep into his goblet already…the conversation went something like this….
Nativus Purus: Uncle Vinum? Explain the history of our astrology to me.
Vinus Maximus: Astrology? Oh, that load of, (looking around squeamishly) I mean, our religious foundation? Well, that, is a loooong story. (Dozes off)
NP: Uncle? (shakes Uncle) The astrology, tell me of it.
VM: Snorts himself awake) – Oh Yes, let’s start with Aries. The Ram! Of all the gods he is stubborn, warlike and wanted power…Dodge, hemi, towing capacity. Exiled by the other gods to Argentina where he was revered as to “Good Ram” or “Buenos Aries”, typically mispelled…..zzzzzzzzz
NP: You dozed off again uncle (shaking him)
VM: (swigs dregs of wine from a skin, mumbles) “The Bull” Taurus child of Ford – your grandparents car. Oh my head, where is the great Bacchus when I need my wineskin filled.
NP: I will fill the wineskin for you if you will continue with your stories.
VM: Done! Tell me child, have you ever heard “The Ballad of Curtis Loew?” Tis a song about service to others by the bards Lynard and Skynard of Clan Van Zant. (sings) “Well, I got your driknin’ money now tune up your Dobro….”
NP: I’ve never heard of this clan. Where is the land of Lynard and Skynard? (hands over wineskin)
VM: Deep to the south. Aptly named, “The Deep South” and under the spell of the god Dixie.
VM: Ne’er ye mind. (gulping wine) Back to astrology! Gemini! A killer song by Alan Parsons Project….something about duality of the human mind…..BOOORING! And Leo – the lion: fierce, strong, terrible breath. Finally wins an Oscar in 2016.
NP: An Oscar?
VM: Scorpio – avoid those stingers. Great constellation, one of my personal faves (hiccup). I made your mother under that constellation. Scorpio tastes like Cancer, I mean crabs, if you cook ’em right. Jim Gaffigan hateth upon them. Libra – means books ‘er something, never tried ’em. I always wait for the books to come out on Betamax. However, Libras-arians with those horn rimmed glasses are quite sexy in a homely way.
NP: This is unlike anything I’ve heard in school Uncle.
VM: This is real education, son not the brainwashing you receive in class. Where were we…..oh, Virgo The Virgin. Doubt it. She was a cheerleader. Virgo “dated” Achilles and he slayed more than just Trojans. I mean, that’s how they named Trojans. Miss V got around.
NP: Uncle? What are you talking about? This is sacrilege in the eyes of the Gods.
VM: Onward. I am a truth-speaker. In vino veritas! (gulps again) Sagitarrius – no one really knows what the hell that one is about.
NP: Uncle, it’s a man with a horses body shooting a bow. An image created by the Old Gods!
VM: And they call me a drunk. (Urp) Aquarius – water – never tried it. And Pisces The Fish. (gazes at stars) If you drink enough Pisco you can see a fish on those stars. Capricorn – part goat, part fish. Inspired by Peyote.
NP: Uncle – this is so different from all I’ve ever read and heard. I want to share the God’s message with the people of the land.
VM: Child, I’d suggest another career path. People don’t want to hear the truth. Maybe focus on your schooling, be a lawyer. Pray to the Gods of the Sharks and Avarice and find wealth.
NP: No Uncle. This is what I am….an Astrologer.
And so, young Nativus Purus one day became a man and went forth throughout the lands and shared his Uncle’s stories. He was frequently beaten and eventually became an atheist and public defender supporting those downtrodden by the lack of separation of church and state. His lineage would carry on to the modern era and spawn the great artist and theologian Francus Zappa-deus who fought the future forces of Fascist Theocracies.